Picking up the pieces ?
Is that what it is supposed to be called ?
Feels a lot more like 'waiting for someone to pick up MY pieces' ...
I've pretty much always lived in my own head and have never been very good at talking about how I feel. Have never really needed to, always seemed to be able to work things out for myself.
Guess I was never really taught that it was okay to tell people how you really feel about stuff, or maybe once upon a time, I tried, and my feelings were trampled and disregarded.
Who knows ?
There's really only a few people who I can 'trust' my feelings with, even now. It's not that I see myself as being particularly that precious, but the vulnerable Sarah inside of me is, and she needs to be kept safe.
The everyday Sarah you see is the bodyguard, the protector, the shield.
My headspace feels so fractured at the moment, can't hold a positive thought or even contemplate undertaking anything vaguely worthwhile.
And the worse thing about it is I feel nothing...
C o u l d n ' t c a r e l e s s. .
It's like I am just 'existing'... and my sense of self-worth is at absolute zero again too, but that's no surprise.
There just seems to be cracks everywhere I look , so many it is almost like I am causing them. This is a ridiculous notion, believe me I KNOW, but I see no other reasonable explanation for it.
Is my current fragility making me see cracks where there are none?
Or is my inability to face up to things preventing me from fixing the cracks? Maybe I am just picking at them, not allowing them to heal... doing my usual stellar job of overthinking everything ?
I wouldn't know where to begin to fix how I feel right now, even if I could.
Fear is a destructive emotion. It's chipping away at my defenses, seeping through the aforementioned cracks, infecting everything.
One thing I do know, and that I put all faith in, is fate. Just like people who have a 'religious' faith, and put their confidence in their chosen deity.
Signs that I am on the right path keep appearing. No positive or negative weighting to them, just plain and simple affirmation.
I know that I am on some kind of a journey....
Just hope the destination involves less chaotic noise in my head and also much cider.