Thursday, February 26, 2015

Waiting for a sign...

Picking up the pieces ?
Is that what it is supposed to be called ?
Feels a lot more like 'waiting for someone to pick up MY pieces' ...
I've pretty much always lived in my own head and have never been very good at talking about how I feel. Have never really needed to, always seemed to be able to work things out for myself.
Guess I was never really taught that it was okay to tell people how you really feel about stuff, or maybe once upon a time, I tried, and my feelings were trampled and disregarded.
Lesson learned.
Who knows ?
There's really only a few people who I can 'trust' my feelings with, even now. It's not that I see myself as being particularly that precious, but the vulnerable Sarah inside of me is, and she needs to be kept safe.
The everyday Sarah you see is the bodyguard, the protector, the shield.
My headspace feels so fractured at the moment, can't hold a positive thought or even contemplate undertaking anything vaguely worthwhile.
And the worse thing about it is I feel nothing...
C o u l d n ' t  c a r e  l e s s. .
It's like I am just 'existing'... and my sense of self-worth is at absolute zero again too, but that's no surprise.
There just seems to be cracks everywhere I look , so many it is almost like I am causing them. This is a ridiculous notion, believe me I KNOW, but I see no other reasonable explanation for it.
Is my current fragility making me see cracks where there are none?
Or is my inability to face up to things preventing me from fixing the cracks? Maybe I am just picking at them, not allowing them to heal... doing my usual stellar job of overthinking everything ?
I wouldn't know where to begin to fix how I feel right now, even if I could.
Fear is a destructive emotion. It's chipping away at my defenses, seeping through the aforementioned cracks, infecting everything.
One thing I do know, and that I put all faith in, is fate. Just like people who have a 'religious' faith, and put their confidence in their chosen deity.
Signs that I am on the right path keep appearing. No positive or negative weighting to them, just plain and simple affirmation.
I know that I am on some kind of a journey....
Just hope the destination involves less chaotic noise in my head and also much cider.


Blogger Artygal/Lalheg said...

You know where I am

12:43 AM  
Blogger Stitched Together said...

It sounds like you are on the right path. If you can talk about how you are feeling, or not feeling as the case may be, you may be getting ready to look at your inner state a little more closely. Sometimes these cruising emotional times are the things we need to learn new better emotional survival techniques. I used to be a shove it all down and ignore it kind of person until there was no more room to shove it in to. When that happened I couldn't cope and I shut down until got to the point where I knew I needed help.

You have reached a point where you can choose how you live the rest of your life. Do you carry on hiding inner Sarah from yourself and the rest of the world or do you start to break down the walls you hide behind and learn how to manage your feelings in a different way. You can learn to be less brittle because you have already started to see the cracks and know sometimes a rigid and solid seeming wall isn't as strong as something thinner and more flexible.

Going to counselling was the hardest thing I ever did but it was also the best thing I ever did. Without the lessons I learnt in that tiny room I think I would have cracked so hard I wouldn't have been able to put the pieces together. I would have lost all will to continue to get out of bed each day and try to have any kind of life, whilst in physical pain that cuts like a knife in the gut.

I'm not saying counselling is the solution for everyone,for me I needed a stranger to tell my stories to and who point out what should have been obvious to me about my reactions to everyday experiences as well as traumatic events.

I hope you find the right way for you to get out of that dark numb and safe seeming place, when you are ready to take your first steps out into the light again and to start feeling again.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Fiona O'Dea said...

The loss of a parent, particularly a mother, can be seismic and lead to a total chaos in your head and all around you but you can and will come through it as time goes by. In the meantime, be good to yourself.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Evelyn Hender said...

*hugs* I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish. I haven't got any wise words like the other commenters, just wanted to say I read your post and I'm thinking of you.

12:54 PM  
Blogger Lottie Jackson said...

Cracks are ok. There are the ones that help you to break out of your hole or box and as for the rest we are armed with filler to help make them smooth again. This amy take some time but we can do this together. Love you to the moon and back. Lottie xxx

2:12 PM  
Blogger Clair Coult said...

(((hugs))) I don't know what to say other than you are a super talented and completely awesome person. I am proud to call you my friend and I will never forget the support you gave me after Abigail died. (((hugs)))

3:11 PM  
Blogger Exidia said...

As a lifelong sufferer of such feelings I agree totally with what "Stitched Together" writes. It took a complete stranger in a tiny room to point out to me too the warped set of values with which I'd grown up, and the struggle to become what someone else wanted me to be took me the brink of suicide. You are not as alone as you think, there are many of us who have similar feelings, who are just "going through the motions". Carry on putting one foot in front of the other not because those of us in your fan club love you, though we do, but because you are a worthwhile person - in the words of Bridget Jones - "just as you are". I send you love and light.

4:49 PM  

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